ive got a confession.
i, nur saidah bte mohamed saini, have been taking imipramine for approximately 3 years now. and as of 24th february 2006, my doctor has officially asked me to stop taking it. i hope im never ever gonna have to take it again in my course of life. the best thing is dat my parents knew nothing of my condition. and im not gonna let dem noe either.
i dunno whether my condition has been cured or just suppressed.
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dis entry was written on the 26th march 2005.
dis entry serves as an explanation. im facing depression for an extensive period of time now. ive had a 2-year struggle with it, always standing up against it with an innate confidence and positivity. an innate confidence and positivity that was slowly worn away as issue after issue, problem after problem, attacked my mind.
every now and then, i let my guard down, thinking depression was not bugging me anymore. but there was no stopping it. for years now, my life has been a cycle of forced happiness.
for 2 years and still running, ive experienced a marked decrease in self-esteem. im not as comfortable as i used to be, in front of a crowd. every day when i look in the mirror, i no longer see the smooth, jovial face of the 15-year-old who loved herself and all around her. now i see the blackened, dirty face of a 17-year-old weighed down by fear, loneliness, isolation and melancholy.
i seem to have lost the ability to feel certain emotions. i do not feel the way i used to, with my heart and soul. ive not experienced the great joy i felt while talking to my friends in the past. whatever i feel would be shortlived, killed a few moments after it came alive. so slowly i forgot what it was like to be tremendously happy. slowly, i forgot what it was like to truly believe in something and hold on to it. slowly, i forgot...myself.
im very tired. both physically and mentally.
the emotions that weigh in my heart are those of constant guilt at something i do not know. i feel anxious all the time, wanting to achieve something, or get something done, but not knowing what. i carry with me a dread to talk to people, to look them in the eye. what is it that i fear when i look into their eyes? that they can read me? that i can read them? that im just insecure about the way i look, physically? i do not know.
i have denied any form of depression my entire life. it was against my beliefs, to be depressed. it was against who i am. but 2 years of fighting, it has left me weak, and im now at a point where im seeking help. i'll pray dat i'll be fine. i hope to end all of dis soon.
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how's dat for confession? im sorry ive not shared dis with dose who are close to me.